NOVA Students Say The Stupidest Things #16

Phil and a really stupid Student are discussing the issue of persuading when asking to borrow something:

Phil: So, do you understand 'persuade' now? You keep asking and giving reasons until the person says 'yes'.
Student: Yes.
Phil: Ok, let's practice. Persuade me to lend you my watch:

Student: Can I borrow your watch?
Phil: No.
Student: Persuade.

Phil bursts out laughing at the thought of this magical word which automatically makes someone lend an item.

Sugoi

*'Sugoi' means 'amazing' in Japanese.
I thought I should make this post semi-educational.

NOVA Students Say The Stupidest Things #15

Discussing music:

Student: Is reggae for black people?
Phil: Umm...*

*If he had been any other nationality it would've been racist, but the Japanese are so sheltered that it actually sounded like a genuine question.

Phil-San In Thailan(d) – Part 3

Wat or What?

Another early 6am start. A full day trip this time to Ayutthaya, the very old capital of Thailand, about an hour North of Bangkok. It was a really good group, about ten people all my age and mentality. They seemed pretty impressed with my reasons for being in Asia as most were doing a few months travelling but living in England. And they were very impressed with me holding conversations in Japanese with Japanese tourists along the way.

Our tour guide was a really nice woman but it was difficult to understand her, so every time she said ‘Wat/What’ I had no idea whether she was talking about a temple or asking us a question.

We visited so many Wats that I can’t honestly remember which was which, and by the end I was pretty watted out, but some names include “Wat Yai Chai Mongkhon”, “Wat Phukhao Thong”, “Wat Phra Si Sanphet”, Wat Lokayasutha”, “Wat Pkra Mahthat”, and “Wat Chaiwatthanaram”.

Sanskrit for ‘undefeatable’, the city was located on an island formed in the confluence of three rivers. The place that really grabbed my interest was (one of the above, umm…) ancient ruins spread out over quite an area. It was incredible walking around these one all-powerful buildings trying to imagine them in full swing. Unfortunately I didn’t catch the reason but I think that due to a war, all the statues were vandalised, and to this day they are missing their heads and an arm or two. This area was also home to a large Buddha, made from gold.






There were elephant rides but I found it a bit cruel – many were missing one or two tusks and the owners has sticks with sharp knives at the end to control them. The elephants were, nonetheless, cute, especially this little baby who was kept separate – maybe he was being cheeky.





More ruins, wats, and a reclining Buddha dressed in orange:






A fantastic sight was this Buddha head around which tree roots have grown. It’s made me want to visit Angkor Wat in Cambodia next (if you remember Tomb Raider 1, this area).



The last place we visited was great. These lions were the strangest illusion – are their heads all there, or is it the wall behind? It was the end of the day, we sat in an old courtyard and the tour guide opened up to us about religion in Thailand. She had recently converted to Christianity, fundamentally believing that ever since this change she has turned her life around. Her main point was that she liked a religion in which she could talk to God at any point she wished. She said that more and more people are turning from Buddhism to Christianity; about 10% of the nation now call themselves Christian. Funny that the reverse seems to be happening in the West. I wonder why this shift happens for so many people wherever you are and whatever you believe in.



It’s A Small World

Two of the girls on my tour lived in Leamington Spa! We worked out that we’d been in the same clubs on the same night (Mirage, which they say is now called Evolve) and they filled me in on all the soap and reality TV gossip. They were nice, but one sat next to me on the minibus back to Bangkok, and she talked and talked. And talked. Everyone else was sleeping, but I didn’t want to be rude. About as annoying as the Disney song, after all.

Me Love You Long Time

My flight wasn’t until 6am the next morning, and I needed to be at the airport for 4am so it wasn’t worth sleeping.

I explored a new area of Bangkok, where the nicer hotels were but it was raining and although there were markets, it was nothing different to Khao San. Near Siam, I went back to the movie theatre; a cheap way to pass the time. Traditionally, films come out on Fridays but not in Thailand. Pirates 2 was released on Thursday, the day before America. I was half-expecting a pirated (no pun intended) copy to be playing, with people standing up to go to the toilet on screen. But it was the real deal.

Opposite to Superman, I was really excited about the movie as Pirates 1 is a great action adventure. But the truth is, the film sucked big time. And strangely, for pretty much the same reasons as Superman: nothing happened, it was all stupid sequences that had no continuity, the main three characters had separate adventures yet they were all pretty much the same and Orlando Bloom was as wet as Kraken (so fitting that him and Kate Bosworth are together). However, the biggest disappointment was that Johnny Depp died a terrible death on screen – he was not funny at all. Where I don’t deny his Oscar nomination for the first film, this one was painful. It made me question whether his performance was a fluke in the first place. For this, I’d say Superman was a better movie. Just.

Back on Khao San, I did a bit of shopping: chocolate for my colleagues and the people in my Japanese class, a frog toy thingy for Jody and a skirt for Rebekah. I bought myself a necklace with a shark tooth on it but that was all. Earlier that night, a man was trying to convert everyone on Khao San; his prerogative but seems like a strange place to look for new believers.

Back at the Grand Guest House, where my bags were stored in a locker, I found a big gate across the front of the bar. I suddenly thought that I could be locked out and either miss my flight or my bags, but then I realised that if I was sleeping in there, someone would have to be around to open the place if I wanted to leave. One of the Thai girls that worked there opened the place for me when I banged. She told me that after 2am, everywhere has to shut (there’s only 2 places in Bangkok which have a later licence) but I could join in on the lock-in.

It was pretty fun, about ten people chilling, but I was pretty tired and forcing myself awake until I left in a taxi at 3am. I forgot – about 2am and I was saying how hot the rooms were and one of the Thai girls asked why I hadn’t used the pool then? What? All that time, they had a swimming pool behind the bar and I’d never noticed. D’oh.

And one of the girls actually said to me “Me love you long time”. I thought it was one of those stereotyped phrases that no-one actually says, like “Time for a spot of croquet, old chap” or “May I use the gentleman’s lavatory?” or “Pass the HP sauce, please”. But she said it.

Suspicion

Bangkok Airport was the most depressing place I’ve ever seen. Dark, dirty and looked like the guest house room but on a bigger scale. My flight was a connecting flight through to San Francisco, and the problem I faced was that all the Japanese flyers were stopping in Tokyo and everyone else carrying on to America. The staff couldn’t appreciate that my final destination was Japan. I was searched three times and questioned twice. Four staff looked at my Alien Registration Card. One asked for the receipt of the guest house on Khao San for proof I stayed there. Without thinking, I laughed; as if that place would give receipts. It didn’t go down too well.

Semi-Gaijin

It’s pretty well known among the NOVA teachers that no matter what you do, how respectful you are to the culture, how strong your language skills are, or even if you marry a Japanese person, you will always be an outsider. A gaijin.

However, as I have a re-entry permit visa, when I arrived back at Tokyo I left all the gaijin and headed to the passport control area with the Japanese. It was very strange; I was the only Westerner in the queues, but it was quite cool. And all the staff treated me as a Japanese citizen – everyone spoke to me in Japanese and didn’t consider using English. I could get by, just about.

The train home took about two hours, and although I was knackered, it was nice to see everyone and go out for sushi. Work the next morning nearly killed me!

Epilogue

Thailand was a fascinating place, and I would love to see the trekking areas of Chiang Mai in the North and the turquoise beaches in the South but, as for Bangkok, I feel that I’m finished with it. The Thai language was a no-go as it was near impossible to make out sounds or tonal differences and, from what I saw, the culture wasn’t as fascinating as in Japan.

Japan is a strange and often backwards country, but I feel that I have a lot more to see and do here. It’s often depressing coming home from holidays and dreading going back to work, but I was so excited on the way back to Tokyo. The holiday was a lovely break from work but it made me realise how attached to Japan I already am.

NOVA Students Say The Stupidest Things #14

(A high-level lesson on negotiating)

Phil: Ok, that was really good. You negotiated for extended warranty, free delivery and installation. Do you know what haggling means?

The student leans over and pretends to hug me.

NOVA Students Say The Stupidest Things #13

Phil: Do you have any fears or phobias?
Student: I have a fear of injections.
Phil: Really? Why?
Student: I don't like noodles.

Something Smells Fishy

This is the sign on the Apartments opposite Bell Wistaria. I knew something didn't look quite right but it took me a good three months to figure it out...

Tales From The Gym

I'm going six times a week and there's been a bit of difference, but mainly it's just a really good way to wind down after work - the only downside is that I get home and eat about 11-30. However, the gym offers some fantastic insight into the working of the Japanese people.

1: The Japanese have little inhibition - from walking around stark naked in the changing rooms to flinging themselves all over the stretch mats. I see one old man in there a lot and all he does is pelvic thrusts as his warm-up; I think Freud would have something to say on that one.

2: The massage wheel. I've tried to find a picture on the internet of this but nothing. It's a wheel with lots of bumps and dips in it that revolves at different speeds. I'm not sure whether it's for relaxing or toning up your legs but when I put my feet on it tickles. One woman sat on it, so I guess she either had a painful cheek or she wanted to tone her bottom up. But... one woman straddled it like a horse and there can only be one reason for that. Sudden flashbacks of the Sex Museum in Amsterdam.

3: In Japan, "Ally McBeal" is called "Ally My Love" and it's extremely popular. I sometimes wonder whether social class is decided upon who has the Ally Boxset. It's on Monday nights and I run for the whole 40-ish minutes. And I laugh. They must think I'm crazy because everyone else is sweating and looking exhausted on the treadmills at 10pm but I'm in hysterics. I forgot how brilliant it was.

4: The gym has toilets with all those buttons. The first ones I've seen up close. They're a bit daunting with so many buttons and the upwards spray scares me so I haven't ventured near that one yet. But the seat is heated. At least I think so. Unless someone warms it up for me. How thoughtful.

5: The gym is just as much a mental workout as a physical one. You enter and give one of the receptionists your card and they change it for a paper card which you sign your name on. Then you take your shoes off and put them in a locker and take the key for that locker. Then, in the changing room, you put the keycard into a second locker and get changed. You lock this locker by typing in a PIN number. Then you have to put your gym shoes on in the actual gym. It's a good ten minutes of locks and shoe-changes before you're good to go. Phew.

Bon Voyage

Avez-vous une joyeux temps en France.
Bon chance.

A bien tot.

Caption This Competition #2

After the roaring success of the first one.. well, this one has endless possibilities:

Omedetou Gozaimasu

Bit delayed but thank you all for the birthday cards/postcards - I really appreciated them all:

Jody bought me a survival pack for Thailand (sweets, water, a book, frisbee, playing cards...) and Rebekah got me the Japan shirt. Nakamura scored the first goal against Croatia. Who would've thought I'd own a football shirt!

Technical Difficulties

I didn't realise only I could watch the videos on the Thailand blog, but now I've changed the settings. Make sure you watch the jumping snake one!

Summer's Arrived

It was the proper start of Summer here in Japan this past weekend. Unfortunately, I went to both events straight after work, at the last minute, so no photos of my own. You'll have to make do with the few I found online and, frankly, they're rubbish. But it's better than a poke in the eye.

On Saturday, I went back to Yasukuni Shrine/Kudanshita where that huge gate is, for Yasukini Mitama - one of the big festivals (matsuri) in Tokyo. The place was packed, with lanterns, market stalls and a parade the whole way along the stretch from the gate to the shrine. Really good atmosphere with many Japanese people dancing and wearing yukata (summer kimono).



On Sunday, I went down to Yokohama - renowned for its fireworks displays. And they were incredible - smiley faces, hearts, famous cartoon characters, firefly-like explosions that would shoot in the air, 100 at a time, and then all wiggle around. Not sure how they did it, but they were so impressive.

Lost And Found

Lost got lost.
And then it got found.
And now I'm lost without it.

Makes as much sense as 4 8 15 16 23 42...

Phil-San In Thailan(d) – Part 2

Exchange Rate

One of the biggest problems I found with Thailand was that as everything was so cheap, it was hard to break down notes. In Japan, no-one buys anything with card, it’s very much a cash nation. For that reason, it’s common to carry around a lot of money, and being a safe place helps. On top of this, it’s not strange to use a 10,000 Yen note (£50) in a newsagent. Thailand was strikingly different in that a 20 Baht note (30p) was knocked down by many people if the price was below this. So imagine how hard it was to use a 500 or 1000 Baht note (about £7 or £14)! Added to everything being cheap, I actually didn’t spend much at all. The biggest rip-off wasn’t even in Thailand; it was changing money into Baht from Yen – 1/6th of the money was taken as commission. If I’d known that I wouldn’t have converted much until I got there. But, as Mastercard put it:

Flight - £300
Spending Money - £100
Conversion - £50
Holiday to Thailand – priceless.

I have a lot of baht left, which I’m not prepared to convert back, hint hint…

Damnoen Saduak

Try saying that five times quickly. At 7am on the second morning, after a hot and restless night’s sleep, I got on an air-conditioned minibus headed for the floating market, about an hour outside of Bangkok. It was refreshing to be out of the city, seemed much less noisy and dirty, and more relaxed. There were about ten people, although some were older and there was a family. I’m not huge on organised tours, but given my limited time it seemed like the best option to travel around and see the sights. And only £5!

The first stop was at a tourist trap which showed how you make coconut sugar – extremely sweet with a bitter after-taste. The tour guide (Mr Max – pictured below – who greeted us with: “So, today we’re setting off for Cambodia, everyone have their hiking boots”) showed us a local delicacy – a bread roll and filled with sweetcorn and then ice-cream. Supposedly very refreshing although it sounds a bit too much like pregnancy craving food for my liking.



This area was pretty cool looking, in the LOST sense.




The floating market was extremely impressive; maybe the best thing I saw my whole trip. If you’ve seen that ‘Thai Bites’ advert, you’ll have seen it, but basically it’s set on a canal and women sell fruit, cooked food and knick-knacks on boats. Although it was very touristy – slightly hypocritical, I know – it was an awesome sight, watching the trading. Everyone was very laid back – the women threw fruit for customers to try and they all helped to pass money and goods from one side to the other when a deal was done.









I bought two types of lychee and one exotic fruit that I don’t know. It looked like a clove of garlic but was so juicy and sweet. The lychee were fantastic and, again, ridiculously cheap. I would’ve sent some if I could, but customs regulations and all that.




Afterwards, the tour carried on down the river on an old rusty speed-boat. I’d say houses, but more shelter/hut-like, were lined along the river and we saw how some people lived. We stopped at one for petrol – nice to know that nowhere is safe from the brand names that we have come to rely on.



Indiana Jones’s Nightmare



The final stop (and unknown to me) was at a Snake Farm. It would’ve been pretty bad if someone had a phobia of snakes but everyone was OK. It’s best described straight out of the leaflet:

Come and visit the world famous cobra show, where snake venom is collected to make serum. See cobras being milked of their poison, aggressive jumping snakes,
giant pythons with razor sharp teeth , three mangrove snakes against one man, mongoose fighting a cobra…

And of course, if you get bitten, don’t stop at the pub on the way to the hospital. Always useful to be given good advice.



The man doing the talking sounded straight out of ‘From Dusk Til Dawn’ – Apple Pie *****. Don't worry about what's happening, just listen:



I won’t go into much detail as a lot of it was cruel but I managed to sit through the whole show. I have some pretty nasty videos (especially of the mongoose fight) but if you want to see them I will send them to you. However, I did capture a hilarious video clip. One man was performing with a jumping snake:



Unfortunately, I stopped just as it happened. No-one was injured, although the scream is absolutely priceless. Makes me laugh every time.

Ant Attack

The refreshing 4pm rain hit like clock-work back on Khao San Road so I chilled in my hostel’s bar and watched Team America; f**k yeah! Unfortunately, I must’ve had my bag on the floor in a bad spot because, later when I was on my bed, I started getting bitten by red ants that had found their way into my bag. They were all over the bed and no way of knowing how many there were. I killed quite a few, but losing the battle and the extreme heat which the ceiling fan was doing nothing to quench I thought about giving up and going back to the boutique hotel. I stayed put. All part of the fun. I killed the rest and didn’t have any more problems with them.

My bag stayed firmly off bar floors.

Is It A Bird? Is It A Plane? Is It Rubbish?

In the evening, I went to Siam Paragon to the cinema there. This was the most grand-looking movie theatre I had ever seen. Beautiful, and both modern yet keeping some romantic atmosphere of old style theatres. And cheap – movies in Thailand are £1.40 each for the standard reclining padded leg-roomed seats. And with a drink and popcorn it all came to £2.50! Thai - 1, Japan - 0.

The first trailer was for, wait for it, Snakes On A Plane: the greatest title ever. Does exactly what it says and looks hilarious. More about that movie another day. The other trailer worth pointing out was Spiderman 3 which looks absolutely, umm, ‘amazing’. If you haven’t seen it, check it out now:





I still hold that Spiderman is the only truly great superhero adaptation of the latest craze.

Before the movie, everyone suddenly stood up and, accompanied by shots of Thailand and Thai people, the national anthem came on. This really is a patriotic country.

Superman Returns, for whoever didn’t guess, began straight after, without any BBFC-type slide. I wasn’t expecting much, knowing that Brandon Routh (Superman) dodgy looking cross-eyes and Kate Bosworth is the most useless lump of an actor after Orlando Bloom. Lois Lane is meant to be a feisty head-strong reporter, and they chose Bosworth for the part. Hmm. And the verdict:

Absolute rubbish. Nothing special or intriguing about it. Every scene or idea had been done better in the other Superman movies, Lois & Clark, or Smallville. Granted, the special effects were very realistic, but nothing held together. Each scene was pointless, nothing was followed through, no characters were explored and there were huge plot-holes; the main one being that Superman had been gone 5 years, and Lois had a child in that time but the boy was at least 8 or 9 years old. And he was irritating as hell. Kevin Spacey was also rubbish – very boring. The strangest thing of all was that although the film was long, it felt as though Lois, Superman/Clark or Lex hardly appeared. I’ve never felt that before but it was as if things happened around them and sometimes they’d be involved. And by the end, nothing had really happened. I wasn’t sure what exactly the plot was and it never took off.

Back on Khao San Road (the taxi to Siam which is the other side of the city cost £1 each way) for the evening. I watched a bit of Wimbledon, ate some more curry and finally fell asleep. Maybe from heat exhaustion. Or ant bites.