Image Of The Week #7

The Japanese Ant and Dec!

Umbrella - The Movie

Umbrellas are everywhere.
Unescapable. Unavoidable. And un-livable(!?) without.

In the rain, people use them. In the sun, they're used too. All this umbrella business has been making me think, to and from work everyday, that there must be a movie in here somewhere.
And then it hit me:

Look at a sort of post-democratic 'V for Vendetta/Aeon Flux'-type world where some anarchists are the last stand against the evils of elitism. The central character's main trait is that he takes down the bad guys with an assortment of umbrellas:

As a Weapon -
-In arm to arm combat, made of steel.
-Turns into a gun (the spike is the exit)
-Shoots a web from the spindles around it.
-Shoots darts from the spindles around it.
-Shoots electric stunners from the spindles around it.
-An explosive one.

As Defence -
-A solid one which withstands bullets.

As Transport -
-To float down from a high building holding onto the handle.
-To slide across a rope by the handle (holding onto the spike).
-To sail downstream by sitting inside it (it would be comfortable).

As Protection -
-From the rain of course, d'uh.

I need a name, a title and then I'm basically there.
Any more ways to use the umbrellas?

No! Can it be? Really?

It's scary, no?!

I know this has nothing to do with Japan but it's my blog and I can do what I like

Never Leave Home Without One

An umbrella, that is.

Japan is the country where if you had to carry around one thing with you always and forever, it would be an umbrella. It was boiling last night and this morning; the most humid weather I've ever felt. And at 4pm it changed. The sky loomed black and the thunder and lightning began. It's only just stopped, at 10pm. Six hours of lightning and heavy rain! With no umbrella, I walked home and got drenched.

Never again.

More Eurovision Wackiness

Methinks there was another country not taking Eurovision seriously:

Lithuania - We Are The Winners

Worst. Celebrity. Baby. Name. Ever.

You thought Apple Martin was bad. Geri Halliwell's latest offering:

BLUEBELL MADONNA HALLIWELL.

Some Things Go Together So Well

I just found out that my two favourite musicians are touring together. There's rumours of Japan on the tour. How awesome would that be.

KT Tunstall – Cherry Tree (First Ever Performance)
KT Tunstall – I Want You Back (Live)

David Ford – State Of The Union (One Take)

They both use the 'wee bastard pedal'. Love it.

NOVA Students Say The Stupidest Things #8

Discussing new hobbies:

Student 1: I’d like to take up swimming.
Student 2: To get in shape?
Phil: Moving on, what about you?
Student 2: I’d like to practice my photography.
Phil: Oh cool, what do you want to take pictures of?
Student 2: Ladies on the beach. They never come out very well.

So Much For My Happy Ending - And The List Just Keeps Getting Longer

True Love Sucks:

*Romeo and Juliet
*Dawson and Joey
*Britney and Justin
*Miles and Anna
*Paul and Heather
*Buffy and Angel
*Kate and Pete
*Sheryl and Lance
*Tom and Nicole
*Tristan and Isolde
*Ennis and Jack
*Ann and King Kong

and now:
*Alais and Guilhem
*Ryan and Marissa

It never works out.

Maybe, Jesse and Celine. Just maybe...

I've Found A New Hero

Sadly, I missed Eurovision, but from what I've read, Eurovision missed out too. As you may know, some countries get automatic entrance to the finals (monetary reasons) and some compete in the semi-finals to select the last ten countries for the finals.

This year, the Icelandic entrant 'Silvia Night' just missed out on the top ten. Here is her entry:

Video – Silvia Night - Congratulations

Missing out by a few points, Silvia Night went mad (there's a lot of swearing):

Video – Silvia Night Goes Crazy

Ok ok, the actual truth is that this is all a big lie. Silvia Night is a character, in the same line as Ali G. But the actress is absolutely fantastic in the role. The big joke was that although there were boo's in the semi-finals for her, these were all the other entrants who believed she was for real.

Actually, the funniest thing is that the song itself is very Euro-pop, maybe too close to the truth of what Eurotrash really sounds like, but features incredible lines such as "Oh my god, a golden shower" and "Hello, is it god? What's up dawg? It's me, Silvia Night, your favourite person in the world. I'm saving the world!". Here are the lyrics:

Hey you, looking at me, I'm talking to you
I'm Silvia Night shining in the light -- I know you want me too
Born in Reykjavik in a different league -- no damn eurotrash freak
The vote is in, I'll freakin' win
To bad for all the others

So congratulations I have arrived
I'm Silvia Night and I'm shining so bright
Eurovision nation your dreams will come true
You've been waiting forever
For me to save you

Wham bam boom
My song's totally cool no yesterday's news
Really hot okay, really not too gay
I'm coming here to stay
Want a piece of me, listen carefully
You'll be D.E.A.D.
So boys and girls around the world,
Let's meet next year in Iceland

So congratulations I have arrived
I'm Silvia Night and I'm shining so bright
Eurovision nation your dream's coming true
You've been waiting forever
For me to save you

Oh my god, a golden shower

Hello is it god? What's up dog?
It's me, Silvia Night, your favourite person in the world
I'm saving the world
See you...bye

So congratulations I have arrived
I'm Silvia Night and I'm shining so bright
Eurovision nation your dreams will come true
You've been waiting forever
For me to save you

So congratulations I have arrived
I'm Silvia Night and I'm shining so bright
Eurovision nation your dreams will come true
Vote for your hero that's what you must do
I love you my European children

However, my favourite line has to be the beginning of the chorus "Congratulations, I have arrived". That has to be the funniest line I've ever heard. And people took it seriously. Too bad she didn't make it. I think she would've won. Especially when you see what did win:


The more I read about Silvia Night, the more I love her, and all her craziness. To top it all off, she's huge in Japan; everyone loves her here. One of the funniest things she's done is stole the show from Treble (the Dutch entrants this year) on the Icelandic version of 'This Morning'. Watch to the end when she takes over the song. Oh, and that's her 'boyfriend', the sexily-voiced Romariioooo:

Video - Treble In Iceland

"Did you puke? You look a bit sick", "I will just skip you, cause you are from another country and don't know musical notes". Brilliant. You can see why the other contestants hated her. Shame she didn't get to the finals and win.

The actress who plays her is actually very pretty in real life, Agusta Eva. She's only 22! This is her with her band, Ske:


And she has a nice voice. This is from an Icelandic tv show where famous musicians and band members team up to write songs and compete with other made-up groups (good idea, no?). Quite a nice little song:

Video – Agusta Eva Singing

Unlike those people who take it seriously (e.g. Gwen Stefani, Paris Hilton), this sh*t seriously is b-a-n-a-n-a-s. The world needs more people like her.

Caption This Competition #1 - Winners

Wow, what a response. Having sifted through all of the entries, I've carefully selected the top 3. In first place, drum roll please:

Oli - "Does my bum look big in this?"

Second place:
Bethan - "Frank lost his cool when Dave pointed out that maybe green wasn't his colour..."

And in third:
Oli - "2 big Japanese guys tangle over the ownership of 2 huge lines of cocaine"

Well done Oli, for not only winning but appearing twice in the top 3. Sorry to everyone who didn't make it, but thanks for trying.

Random Observation #6

I was teaching a new student about family relationships, and really struggled with something. We have collective terms for family members:

Your mum and dad are your 'parents' and you are their 'children'.
Your brothers and sisters are your 'siblings'.
There are 'grandparents' and 'grandchildren'. There are even 'cousins'.
Yet you just have an aunt and uncle.

There seems like there should be a collective term for aunt and uncle. There is in other languages. hmm?

Catch-Up

I thought I’d write a little entry on here because I’ve been quite busy lately. It hasn’t been that great a week, but I’m not going to turn this into a ‘Dear Diary’ moment. But the truth of it is that I’ve been a bit fluey, a bit depressed by the rain and a little uninspired. The rain finally stopped today, after seven days, but this is only a little taster; the rainy season kicks in mid-June. For a month.

On a more exciting, albeit worrisome, note I felt my first earthquake yesterday. It lasted about ten seconds and rattled the doors at work, but wasn’t a big deal. The ‘big one’ is still on its way. Which reminds me, has bird flu disappeared? I never hear or read anything of it now.

My housemates are being jerks. Bruce, I’m not surprised about but Steve isn’t that nice a guy when you get to his core. The other night, I was cleaning my teeth about 11pm and he barged into the bathroom with his laundry. We’re not supposed to use the washing machine after 9pm because they thud and vibrate the floor. A new couple have just moved in below us with a one year old daughter. I told him not to put it on as it wasn’t fair on the girl. He said that it wasn’t loud (which it is – his room is on the other side of the flat) and that “a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do”. I should’ve punched him but I carried on brushing.

I guess you’ve got to take the rough with the smooth. There’ll be happy sailing again because I’m planning a trip away. I need your help, however.

Next week I will go away overnight. Weather permitting, do I:
a) Go three hours north to Nikko, where it’s cultural and they have the “hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil” monkeys. Or,
b) Oshima Island, a small island two hours south of Tokyo which is basically a dormant volcano on the sea, with hikes and ‘freshest of fresh’ fish restaurants.
Unlike the American election system, every vote counts.

Jody and I just stuck on Aladdin, and the video says “a 1992 production”. 14 years ago! That’s ridiculous!

Oh, this is the view from the bridge I cross every day. It's pretty cool, and supposedly you can see Mount Fuji from it on a good day.

Random Observation #5

I hear Big Brother started last night. As you can see, Japan wasn't a big undercover lie only for me to appear on it. (Uni people - do you remember we thought Alan was going to be on it, especially when he disappeared!)

All I'll say is that there's supposedly someone with Tourettes on it this year. Is that clever? Entertaining? Wankers.

Random Observation #4

I watched The Truman Show a few nights ago. Apart from it being a fantastic film and, along with Eternal Sunshine, showing that Jim Carrey is a good actor when he stays away from slapstick comedy, it always made me paranoid.

I'm sure everyone else considered whether it could be possible, and the world around you is a fake reality. However, coming here kind of rubbishes any notion of that; it would be impossible to set this all up.

But in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight.

Caption This Competition #1

Self-explanatory really.

I hear there are a lot of anonymous readers. Time to give something back by participating.

Happy Birthday Grandma

(taken in Asakusa, April 6th)

NOVA Students Say The Stupidest Things #7

(Actually, this should be ‘Scariest Things’.
Student is an old woman in a man-to-man lesson.)

Student: I watched you in Musashi-kosugi station last week.
Phil: I’m sorry?
Student: You like bread.
Phil: What?
Student: I watched you buy cake.
Phil: Umm, were you stalking me?
(She just stares)
Phil: Why didn’t you say hello?
Student: Because I can’t speak English.

Happy Cream Egg Day!

Thank you Gem so much for the Cream Eggs you sent in the post. What a lovely delayed Easter it was. And no, they didn't explode in the air! x x

Working The Magic

I managed (don't ask how) to put the Hakone entries in an easier-to-read order. So if you have read Parts 1 and 2, 3 is now below them.

Ooh, Hakone Is A Place On Earth – Pt.1

First things first, 28th April was quite possibly the best day of my life. Or at least, in terms of travelling. This is a huge entry so I’ve divided it into a few parts.

Second thing second (do we even say that?), I should set the scene. The night before, I went for some drinks with people from work. This turned more into Oktoberfest than a few drinks. Some heavy karaoke-ing later and I was tucked up in bed. Beer does a strange thing to me. I usually wake up early the next morning full of energy, and it’s only later or the day after where it hits.

Third thing third, I should jog your memory about the problems I had with my signature not being accepted.

So, Friday morning, I wake up at 6. The sun is shining, the sky is clear and I’m full of energy. I’m out of the house before 8 and head towards Yokohama. On the way I try, for the first time, the ATM’s at three different banks as I’ve run out of the cash I brought with me. None of them accept my card. On the train now. Listening to some newly acquired albums on iPhil and in my own world, I miss the stop and have to change trains back to Yokohama. A decent time-killer since my bank doesn’t open until 9.

I didn’t have to wait too long for the bank to open and showed the staff the problem with my card. I had to sign for a new card. Five minutes later, the manager comes over and tells me my signature doesn’t match the one on my old card. I have to sign again but they’re still not completely happy. He asks for other ID and I show my alien registration card, completely forgetting that I signed it in a totally different way again. This baffles him even more, to the point where he gives up and just gives me the new card. Which works, hurrah!

(I realise I’m writing in a strange present tense style, which is confusing me as well. I stop writing like this, after this sentence.)

I found the train towards Odawara/Hakone and jumped on. Actually, I stepped on. The more I teach, the more I realise how confusing the English language is. The train took just under an hour to Odawara; it’s about 30 minutes past Kamakura and on the way to Fuji-San.

You know when something doesn’t feel quite right but you can’t put your finger on it for ages. The whole train journey was very strange, and it was only when I neared Odawara that I realised what it was. Around Tokyo, no-one talks on the trains. I don’t know if it’s bad manners or everyone’s just depressed but it’s silent. This train was noisy. Everyone was chatting, gossiping, laughing. Already I could see that a more rural lifestyle was laid back.

At Odawara Station I bought a Hakone Free-Pass. This was a £20 ticket that allows for a day’s travel all-inclusive. Not exactly free. Quite the contrary.

Before leaving for Hakone, I had a look around Odawara. This was a lovely coastal town, which seemed so different in comparison to Tokyo. Perhaps this was the Utopia of Japan; each streetlamp had speakers blaring out ballad-y songs. I headed towards Odawara Castle, crossing over the moat and passing through the main gates.



Once, one of the most distinguished castles in medieval Japan, and the administrative centre of the Kanto region, Odawara Castle reached its peak in the 16th Century.

Sadly, half-way up to the actual castle was a small open zoo. On the whole, Japan has little concern over animal welfare compared to the West. There was little shelter for most of the animals. Or barriers between them and us.



Quickly passing through the zoo, I looked up and saw the castle. Wow.


Inside the main building was an interesting museum showing the history of the castle and presenting samurai clothing and weaponry. The view from the top was pretty impressive - covering the city of Odawara, the Pacific and the Fuji-Hakone-Izu mountain range - although it started to cloud over, so no sign of Fuji-San. Again.




This would normally be a cool day in itself but was only just beginning...

Ooh, Hakone Is A Place On Earth – Pt.2

Back at Odawara Station, about 11am, I boarded the Hakone Tozan Train, a mountain train-car which zig-zagged up a mountain slope. I was the only Western person on the train. In fact, I saw a German couple and some Americans and that was it. There were hardly any habitants, let alone tourists all day.

The higher up we went, the more amazing the view. Houses were built into the mountainsides which looked impressive but I doubt it’s practical. I hopped off (damn this language) at Chokokunomori. Try saying that fast five times with a marshmallow in your mouth.

Next to this station was the most amazing Museum I’ve ever been to; I didn’t get bored. In fact, I stayed way longer than I should’ve, and I had to slightly rush the rest of the day. The entry to Hakone Open Air Sculpture Museum was £7 but it was definitely worth it.



The area, with incredible backdrops was open grounds full of weird and wonderful sculptures, and buildings housing even more.





This was a maze, and I got so lost:

I would’ve been better off in the kids maze:


I liked this, but maybe it was the hangover talking:


When I inter-railed around Europe, one artist seemed to follow me. Niki de Saint Phalle, and his/her big strange-breasted women. It was only fitting that one popped up here as well. Is there any escape?


My favourite thing was the ‘Stained Glass Tower’. From the outside it looked a little rubbish.



However, inside was a completely different story:






The museum also gave me my first onsen – hot spring – experience. It wasn’t too hot, although it was funny when all the school-kids put their feet in. Even all of the boys were screaming. Lightweights. Here’re my feet anyway.



I wonder what’s in here?


Well, all the school-girls were taking pictures:


Speaking of which, the school-girls here acted as if they’d never seen a gaijin before and kept running up to me saying ‘he-llo’. I’d reply and ask them how they were, in Japanese. They loved it, and giggled.

On my way out, I stumbled upon a new dinosaur exhibition being set-up. This was like Jurassic Park come to life – does the video do it any justice how realistic they moved? It's quite dark, sorry.



I got a snack here and, two and a half hours later, headed off.
I told you it was a long day…

Ooh, Hakone Is A Place On Earth – Pt.3

After the museum, I headed to the train station to ascend to the next, and last, station called Gora. This should’ve been straight-forward but for each train that came past, the old man working at the station told me it was going to the wrong way. After trains had passed both ways, I decided to walk it. Never trust an old man halfway up a mountain concerning trains, I say. However, he pointed me in the right direction on foot, so obviously he thought I needed the exercise. The walk took five minutes, so it was fine.

The next transport on my journey was a funicular cable-car up a very steep hill. Every stop it made, the carriage would break, slip back a few metres and then stop. Not the most reassuring system when you’re halfway up a mountain.


At the top waiting for me was the Hakone Ropeway. This was very cool as I had a pod to myself. However, it was too cloudy to see Fuji-San, but at the same time it was boiling. I was in a t-shirt for most of the day whereas all of the Japanese were in coats; they feel cold wherever!



The ropeway climbed up towards a hill where it peaked. I sensed something was coming but had no idea what. Actually, I smelt something coming. And it smelt baaad. I was pretty surprised when I saw what lay ahead; something out of ‘From Dusk Til Dawn’. Barren land that had gas steaming from it.



I left the Ropeway at this halfway point. The place was called Owakudani, otherwise known as ‘Hell Valley’. The stench was unbearable. A volcanic explosion left the area full of boiling mud pools and vents of sulphurous steam.


Oh how reassuring one little word in orange in the bottom right corner of a sign can be! Also nice to know that if it’s not completely fatal, at least I could leave with a nice bout of conjunctivitis or a fit of coughing. It was actually very cool, on top of the fact that it smelt and I could die.




I had a Kuro Tamago; a black egg naturally boiled by the volcanic gases. It tasted just like any boiled egg. Dan, you would’ve been in your element!



Actually, I had two and my stomach let me know that sulphur dioxide, boiled eggs and hangover don’t mix. I look dumb in this photo but let this be a warning of eating eggs; you think that’s sulphur dioxide!


I took the second half of the Ropeway down to Lake Ashi, where randomly a Spanish Galleon was waiting for me.


I climbed on board and sailed towards the town of Hakone. I wanted to be Cap’n Jack Sparrow so bad!



It was so cold and windy on the boat. Yo ho ho, a pirate’s life most definitely not for me. But the view was amazing:



At the other side (I survived the cold) I went to the Hakone Checkpoint. In the days of the shoguns, all travellers on the main road between Edo (old Tokyo) and Kyoto had to stop at this police checkpoint, where they were thoroughly searched. And I mean thoroughly. Anyone caught trying to sneak through were gauged to death on huge death spikes and their severed heads put on display to ward off other miscreants.

The checkpoint itself wasn’t that fascinating, but it allowed for some good views of the lake. This one makes me think of The Lion King.



Passing through the Ancient Cedar Avenue, planted for travellers to have a break from the sun, I walked through the strangely deserted town of Hakone. I started to feel as if I was the only tourist left that day. I arrived at the Hakone Shrine. There was not one single other person there, how very strange. Was I the only person left in Japan? Did someone forget to tell me something? Was the big earthquake that everyone’s been threatening about finally coming?



Down towards the lake was a large red gate, almost floating in the water. It was so beautiful.


The sun had started to set, and I headed to the bus stop, suddenly realising I had no idea what time the last bus was, if there were still any running. Luckily, I caught the last bus, otherwise I would’ve been stranded. The only sucky thing about the day was that since I’d done a big trek across the area, I was on the other side so it took an hour back to Odawara station and then another hour to get back to Yokohama from there. Still, I can’t complain because it was, after all, the greatest day ever.

I’d advise this day as one of the three top ‘must-do’ things if you come to Tokyo. I’m not sure what the other two are, but this definitely can’t go unmentioned.

Looking back, the Freepass allowed me on trains, funiculars, ropeways, a Spanish galleon and a bus. I only paid for the sculpture museum, some lunch, the eggs, and the checkpoint museum on top of that, so the £20 ticket was a serious bargain.

Did I mention how much I like Hakone?