"Clever Phil-San"

After Kamakura*, I had my welcome party at Kosugi. It was really cool and they gave me and the other new guy a little clap etc. We drunk beer, had pizza and I got to know the instructors and staff a little better.

A few drinks later, some of the instructors said they were going off to Roppongi and did I want to come? Alarm bells went off in my head. Roppongi, which irrelevantly means ‘six trees’, is the bad area of town, about 4 stops east of Shibuya on the Yamanote Line, renowned for the all-night cheap and dodgy clubs as well as being the hangout for US marines. So, of course, I said yes.

Four of us left the party, ever so slightly tipsy, and headed to The Lexington Queen. The Lex is the club where all the international celebrities hang out. Supposedly. It cost the equivalent of £20 for entry and all-you-can-drink. For males. For girls, you’re looking at £1.50! I haggled our price down to £15 each. I think I said (in Japanese): ‘four people so 3000 yen. Not 4000 yen’**.

The Lex was a dump. And not in a cosy way. Strangely I noticed a lot of chairs. A second set of alarm bells went off: I also noticed that everyone looked young. This would’ve been okay had the young-looking people been Japanese, as they always look young. But nearly everyone was a gaijin (foreigner).

We got some drinks, danced a little. One of my friends, Ash, started dancing with a girl, she said something, he immediately left her and came over to me. This is what she said, how’s this for a chat up line: ‘So, what grade are you in?’

That’s right. As I found out, it was International High School Night. The place was packed full of rich American kids whose daddies work in Tokyo. And the worst thing: with no night trains we were stranded here until morning. The chairs started making a lot of sense.

A lot of drinking, dancing, laughing later I crashed on a chair about 4am. A drunk American kid started talking to me about how all his friends were throwing up and he felt ill. I don’t know why, but I started telling him off. As in, why should all of his friends come and ruin our night, when he’s older he’ll understand. He didn’t get it, and I’m not sure I did either. But it passed the time.

I woke up, groggy as hell, about 5am and saw Ash with a Japanese girl. He asked where I’d been and that we were moving on to a different club. Seriously? The trains were running now so bed seemed like a much better idea. The girl wanted some water so I got her some. “Phil-San, you’re so clever. You find water. I respect you”. Can you guess what went off in my head?

Only Ash, the girl and I went to the new club; we couldn’t find the other two. The whole way there, she praised and complimented me: “I respect you” “My old boyfriend was English but he was horrible. Not like you Phil-San” “You find water, clever Phil-San”.

Ding Ding Ding!

Oh my god, she was an escort.

I tried to tell Ash but she was with us the whole time. Her behaviour got more bizarre in the new club. I asked for water and when she bought it back I took a huge mouthful. Of pure vodka! And she wouldn’t stop moving the glasses closer to us every time we moved, making sure they were always perfectly aligned with each other. Every time we danced, she’d just smile at me and compliment me. I joked that Ash was her new boyfriend and she went mental, “Why do you say that Phil-San. I have to choose you”.

Ding Ding Ding.

Oh my god, she was a psychopathic gaijin murderer.

Ash went to the toilet. I was left alone with her. She tried to kiss me. My initial thought was, “How much is this going to cost? Literally!”

I stopped her and she slapped me on my arm. When Ash returned, I sent her off for more drinks, grabbed him and we made a run for it. We headed home and I slept for the rest of the day. I had fun but set a new rule: when I want to go home, I can be in bed within one hour.

I keep expecting to wake up in the middle of the night and see that girl. Smiling dementedly.

*Only three weeks ago. See, I’m catching up…
**In hindsight, I’m not sure I can even say that. Maybe I said ‘3000 bottles exist in four people, not 4000’. Maybe he took it as a Buddhist saying and thought I was smart. Either way it was cheaper.